To start reading a Brexity Christmas Carol from the beginning, please click here.
Scrooge awoke in his bedroom. His bed was his own, the room was his own and, best of all, the time ahead of him was his own; time in which to make amends.
He ran over to the window and flung it open. A teenage girl in a hijab was walking past the house. “You!” He shouted.
“What do you want?” the girl called back, “Are you a paedo or something?”
“What day is this?” Scrooge persisted.
“What day?” the girl called back, “It’s Christmas Day.”
“I’m not too late,” Scrooge exclaimed, “listen to me little girl.”
“Do you know the shop around the corner with the box of Scandinavian Christmas shit in the window?”
“You mean…the one as big as me?”
“That’s it. Fetch it for me, would you?”
“Why the fuck should I?”
“Because if you’re back within twenty minutes, I’ll give you fifty quid.” The girl looked more interested. “In fact, if you’re back with the store manager in ten minutes, I’ll pay all your university tuition fees.” The girl was off like a shot, and Scrooge rubbed his hands with glee as he turned his attention to getting dressed.
“I shall take it to Bożena’s house,” he declared to himself, “Oh, it’s the last thing she’ll expect!”
And sure enough, not an hour later, the doorbell rang at the Kratchowycz house and Bożena was stunned to see her employer standing on the doorstep, a stern expression on his face.
“Is there a reason you’re not at work today?” Scrooge demanded, glaring at Bożena with all the ferocity he could muster.
“It’s Christmas, Mr. Scrooge, you said…”
“Christmas?” Scrooge spat the word, “I’ve had quite enough of this, Bożena. And therefore,” he stepped over the threshold, “therefore I am going to raise your salary, buy this house for you and provide whatever you need to give Little Lena a long, happy and successful life.”
Bożena stood and looked at her boss in stunned silence.
“Merry Christmas, Bożena Kratchowycz,” Scrooge smiled warmly as the store manager from the Christmas Store came past with a huge red and white box, he himself having donned a Father Christmas costume in exchange for Scrooge paying off his entire business loan.
“Just a few gifts for you and your family,” Scrooge said.
In the box there was a big box of sweet buns. Scrooge explained that these were lussebullar, a Swedish tradition usually enjoyed during the festival of St. Lucia which took place on 13th December, there was a sauna-smoked ham from Finland and a full kit for making Glögg, a spiced Scandinavian mulled wine. There was Danish beer for the grown-ups and hand-crafted wooden toys for all the children: for Lena, a beautiful playset composed of beautifully painted wooden ducks.
“Father Christmas here was telling me about all these items on the way over here,” Scrooge said, “some of these foreign traditions are absolutely fascinating. There really is such a lot we can learn from our European cousins.”
“Thank you, Mr Scrooge,” said a bewildered Bożena, “I don’t know what to say, but please, come and join us for a while.”
“There is nothing to say,” Scrooge replied, “I have treated you appallingly in the past and this is the least I can do. But I would love to stay a while and then I must go and wish my dear nephew a merry Christmas. I promise things will be different from now on.”
Scrooge was better than his word. He did it all, and infinitely more; and to Little Lena, who did not die, he was a second father. He became as good a friend, as good an employer, and as good a man, as the good old city knew, or any other good old city, neglected seaside town or EU member-state in the good old world. Some people laughed to see the alteration in him, but he let them laugh, and little heeded them.
Many alt-right bloggers and UKIP Twitter trolls were dismayed to see their hero so altered. In the months that followed, Scrooge started attending rallies with David Lammy, AC Grayling and Anna Soubry. When a now deeply unpopular Tory government presented its deeply unsatisfactory Brexit plan to the deeply fed-up British people in 2019, pressure from Nicola Sturgeon’s SNP, Tim Farron’s Liberal Democrats and Lisa Nandy’s reinvigorated Labour Party succeeded in forcing a second referendum. Scrooge was chosen to spearhead the campaign and he entertained Gary Lineker, JK Rowling and James O’Brien at a lavish party to which he invited all his employees on Thursday 25th June 2020: the night the British people voted, by a similar margin to the landslide referendum in 1975, to remain in the European Union.
He had no further intercourse with Spirits (huh) and it was always said of him, that he knew how to keep Christmas well, if any man alive possessed the knowledge. May that be truly said of us, and all of us! And so, as Little Lena observed, God Bless Us, Every One!